My boyfriend lives with a model. Not just like your average runway model, but like a lingerie model.
And it’s cool. Intimidating, but cool.
Her name is Tya, and funny story/small world problems, we used to be childhood best friends.
Not only is she super nerdy, like Adventure Time figurines displayed on her desk and constantly playing video games and slaying kind of nerdy, she is also a Bio major with a minor in Chem, oh and a part-time EMT. No big deal.
Anyways, Thursday night, Tya was a model for Lustful Doll designs at the traveling Art Festival, RAW in Boston.
Alex, and his friend coming along for the show, were supposed to pick me up at 4:30. I skipped my class at 2 in order to get back to Concord by 3ish. I would have plenty of time to shower and to do my hair and make-up.
I had it all planned out.
4:30 came and went. I sat on the couch with my velvet sequined dress. Curls sprayed to shape. Lips applied with red.
At 4:37 I get a text…”We are going to be a little late”…. “I’m so sorry”…..”I’ll explain later.”
5 o’clock came and went. I paced from the living room and the kitchen, clicking my heels and munching on cheddar cheese.
5:30 came and went, so I took off my shoes and stared at my phone.
How late is late? I kept thinking that they were going to bail, and that I had missed my class to sit alone in a velvet black dress.
If that was the case…someone was going to die. Well, someone did, not like dead dead, but pretty much.
When they finally pulled in, it looked like Alex was alone, but upon a closer look, his friend was folded into his lap and completely out.
When I got settled in the back seat, Alex stroked my leg, that was when I knew I in for a night.
The drive there wasn’t exciting, except for when his friend fell on a the shift and put us into neutral on an off-ramp. Alex had to hold him against the window with his right arm while driving with his left.
There was no parking at the venue because we were an hour late, so we parked at a Dunkin’s a couple blocks down the road.
We locked Alex’s friend in the car while we went into the show and took the keys.
The night before this event, I had a vision that Alex’s belt had exploded before we got to the show…
Before we got to the show, we stopped into the Dunkin’s were we parked to pee, and you probably guessed what happend next.
I waited for Alex outside the bathroom. I could feel eyes on me while I leaned against the wall and pushed hair out of my face. I heard a ding and what sounded like change falling to the floor.
I knew it wasn’t change.
Alex opened the door with his lips pursed together and fire in his eyes. His belt had exploaded.
Alex can’t go anywhere without a belt. His butt is flat. Like really flat, no butt at all. Everything falls down. So from that point on he kept his hands in his pockets to keep his pants up.
We were off to a great start.
So finally we get in. We get stamps on our wrists and walk through the main bar into the show room.
Instantly we are both overwhelmed and feeling over dressed.
Me in my velvet dress and Alex in his suit and tie.
There are models everywhere with big hair, long legs and everything hanging out. Literally. Butts and boobs everywhere.
There was music and art, jeweler’s dancers and so many lights. I was the definition of “art scene” and it was awesome.
But…we couldn’t move.
We had to shuffle through hoards of fashionistas wearing the latest trends, artsy people with sparkling eyebrows, blue lips and purple hair, and models. So many models.
And poor Alex tried so hard to make it through the crowds with his hands in his pants.
We were quite a sight to see.
I looked over at him and said, “Tya did say cocktail attire right?”
It didn’t take long for us to get drinks.
I get super anxious at bars because I don’t know the names of drinks. I usually get whatever is on tap because it’s easier. But I couldn’t order on tap that night because I was wearing two pairs of spandex. Any bloating food or drink would have made my stomach pop.
Tya ordered a vodka cranberry, so I did, too.
Tya left us alone for a bit to go hangout with her model friends and take her shoes off. We finished our drinks and I offered to get us another.
I figured this time I had it down, the whole ordering thing. So I went up to the bar and said with as much confidence as I could manage, “Can I have a vodka raspberry?” And the bar tender looked at me and said, “With what?”, with so much sass.
I stared at her and then at Alex with wide eyes. This was my worst nightmare, well, not my worst but it’s up there.
All I could say was, “I don’t know.” She shook her head and made something up and slid it my way. It looked nothing like what I had before.
Alex asked me what I ordered, he started laughing and shaking his head at me. Tya ordered a vodka cranberry. Not a vodka raspberry. Vodka rasperry isn’t even a drink. I’m just dumb.
About a half an hour later, while I nursed my drink and people watched, Alex and Tya left me at the bar to go have a smoke.
Twenty minutes later Tya comes back in a little frantic and says, “Alex’s friend (the one we had left in the car) called him and said that he was at his house (clearly he was not because we were an hour away from his house). He got out of the car and is now wondering around somewhere. Alex is looking for him.”
My first thought was, “Oh God, what next?”
This is why we never leave the house.
Tya takes me by the arm and says that I can come upstairs with her and hangout with the models while I wait for Alex. She said, “just act like you’re supposed to be there and nobody will question you.”
I’m already awkward and haven’t had enough to drink. I look down at my dress, clearly not the cocktail attire that I was thinking of, not to mention my chubby cheeks and thick legs. How am I supposed to “act like I’m supposed to be there” when I’m the very last person that would be there.
But Tya was already walking away in her get-up and butt out, and looking so fine in 5 inch heels. I had no choice but to follow in my 2 inch granny heels that were already killing me. (I’m called Granny Lynn for a reason)
Nobody looked at me while I walked by. When I got upstairs and sat on a chair full of bags from outfits and wigs, again, nobody looked at me. Across from me on a normal sized couch, sat 6 models. I would have taken up one cushion and there were two and a half on one.
The trendiest man I had ever seen was walking around and fixing girls hair. When he got to me, he said, “Girl, I love your dress.” And, getting a compliment like that while in a room full of models, I blushed a little.
Alex texted me a few minutes later and said that they were coming back in. Given the fact that his friend couldn’t walk prior to us getting to the show, I had no idea what his status was or even if he was allowed to come in.
I meandered my way back through big hair, make-up artists and heels, and out into the bar.
When I found Alex, his hands were still in his pants to hold them up, and his friend was standing and talking. Thank the Lord.
I ordered us drinks, this time a vodka cranberry and was blessed with the amount over the top ratio of vodka. The bar tender probably could tell that my night was a disaster.
Alex tried to act like everything was fine while not letting his friend out of his sight. He kept dropping his phone and telling us the same story over and over again. Each time we laughed it off.
Apparently he had gotten into a strangers BMW thinking it was his and had scared some people at a different bar and had just gotten kicked out when Alex found him.
We watched the girls line up before they took on the runway. It was crazy to see them shift from playing with each others hair and joking around to walking the runway with fierce faces.
I wanted to stay with them, because it was less crowded and we could see the stage well, but Tya wanted a video and because Alex’s friend was staring creapily at them, clearly still not in our world.
The models were so different and beautiful. I fan-girled over Tya when it was her turn, a little envious but also happy that I didn’t have to wear her heels.
After they all walked, Tya dragged me in front of the backdrop to take pictures with a professional photographer. I smiled the same smile in all of them because I was internationally screaming, and she changed sultry poses.
There were people all around us. Everyone was watching and so many had their phones out taking pictures and videos of us too.
I must have looked good in that dress.
And gotta say, even though I am awkward, I felt a little like a star with all the photos. And Alex kept winking at me, which was even better.
All in all, it’s not what I expected but pretty much everything I should have because my life is never simple.