I don’t like being a burden to people.
If you happen to be standing in my path, I will patiently wait for you to move.
For example, this past Halloween, I ventured out with the squad, dressed as a red witch. I even had jewels on my eyes, I looked good. Anyway, we were getting ready to leave because the small apartment we were at was starting to get crowed with way too many girls with half scull faces and way too many guys dressed as Maverick.
As per usual, I followed the leader and took up the end of the line. I tried to hold onto Alex’s arm as we squeezed through sweaty bodies and spilled booze, but got cut off by a bunny.
When I had finally got to the door, I thought that I was being kind by holding it for the people coming in, but instead I was pushed behind the door and continuously smacked in the face with the metal frame with the steady stream of people in an out.
Blocking my exit was a very tall guy dressed as a woman with big boobs asking party-goers to “squeeze [his] boobies” in order to get in. Nice, I know. I wasn’t impressed.
I tried to say something, but he didn’t acknowledge me. So I just stood there, getting hit in the face. When he finally noticed me behind the door, he just said, “Oh shit” and moved.
The squad was waiting for me outside, annoyed by my delay. But upon discovering I was stuck behind the door I earned forgiveness.
Anyway…I really don’t like being a burden. I say “sorry” before any polite interaction with someone, and any sort of scenario where I could possibly bother someone, like asking a question, or being sick, or getting off of the bus. I shy away and don’t speak up.
One of my biggest fears is crossing the street. Anytime anyone crosses the street, the people behind the wheel are always annoyed. Always. Even I get annoyed. You have to physically stop a person for a minute in order to cross their path.
The other day, I was getting ready to cross the street, my school day coming to an end. I was eager to get home and away from campus, but when I got to the crosswalk I was struck with a nerve-wracking decision.
My best friend, a friend I hadn’t seen in a couple weeks because our schedules are complete opposites and we are both trying to live five full-time lives, was in the car that stopped for me to cross.
The beautiful Cecilia Martins.
My immediate reaction was to jump and wave like a maniac, but then I realized I had to cross the street, but I was finally crossing paths with my best friend and now holding up traffic.
My meter was running out and the ticket police were always lurking.
It seemed like forever. I felt everyone looking at me. I just couldn’t cross. I started to cross, then stopped. She started to scoot forward, then stopped. We were both deer caught in the head lights.
Traffic on both sides were staring at me. I was half in the middle of the road, burdening everyone. I could feel my cheeks turning pink.
I did something I don’t ever do.
I chose to burden everyone around me so I could get into the car with my best friend I hadn’t seen in weeks.
We both screamed and threw things as I jumped in. I sat on a bag with spokes, which felt good.
We drove in a circle, both talking a mile a minute trying to get caught up on everything.
Even though we just drove in a circle, because again, we are both so busy that there’s always another meeting to get to, or another paper to write, it was the best drive in a circle I have had in a long time.
This was a very small moment in a week full of chaos. Including spinning off of the road and getting stuck on a hill during the past snow storm in a feat to make it to a Shakespeare workshop so I wouldn’t have to write a paper. But, forcing myself to be exposed in the road and stopping moving lives so I could live mine a little, felt so unbelievably good.
This picture is an oldie but a goodie!